I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
