so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
