9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
We are all done wearing pants today
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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