i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
