My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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