yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
