The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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