There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
