can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
