My hand turned me down
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
