I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
