I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
