The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
