'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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