I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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