Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
