final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
