i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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