Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
