once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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