gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
