As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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