??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My balls are so social today.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
