i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
