I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
