you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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