come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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