no, he came in my armpit
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
