he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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