I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
