FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
