it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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