I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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