apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
