It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
