You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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