I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
