Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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