New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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