It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
