I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
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He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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