all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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