I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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