if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
