it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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