She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
