someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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