Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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