I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
