also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
