i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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