At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
