Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
